You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
