Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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