someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
