My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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