can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
