this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
