If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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