so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just had sex on a roof
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
