Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
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I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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