dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
