Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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