saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
