3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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