You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
