So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
