Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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