Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
