I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
