I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
