just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
