woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
