He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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