I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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