No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
