I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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