Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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