he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
