you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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