Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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