I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
