Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
