dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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