it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
