i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
