we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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