I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Barsexuality is the new black.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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