Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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