i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
