She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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