All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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