I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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