How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
