I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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