it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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