i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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