Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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