I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
