Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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