The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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