I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
