Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that