I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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