What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
