It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
