Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
