Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
