I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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